Me? True Blue?!

I haven't considered that concept since I renounced my once overzealous ties to BYU, where I dreamed of going, dedicating far too much energy to that dream, until I was confronted with its disappointing reality. But I don't mean it in the Cougar sense this time...My mom has gotten caught up in this color psychological survey book that designates personalities as blue, white, red, or yellow and she asked me to take it. Makes sense, but of course I can't help getting annoyed at her current obsession with it, as it reminds me far too much of a certain ex's obsession with another personality test like it, the name of which I can't really even remember now. Yes, I can see how people can be classified as this or that, but I hate it when people focus on it as all-defining, justifying their behavior or letting their major life decisions hinge on something like that. Call me idealistic, but I'd like to believe that we have a little more power over our lives...

Anyway, I don't mind most of the characteristics of the blue personality type--creative, self-doubting, sensitive to others, tolerant, motivated and hard-working, etc. But I'd like to believe that I'm NOT judgmental or unforgiving, which also seem to be traits of the blue. Just a case in point for how I'm not going to let a category rule or justify that kind of behavior, though.

So, this past week has been a doozy. My principal told me she'd do anything to secure me a position at this high school, but the thought of staying here only disappointed me, which was expected but also a little frustrating, since no other viable options have presented themselves as yet. I have an interview at an all girls' private school in L.A. on Tuesday and another at another L.A. school the week after and I'm still waiting on news from U Washington and Portland State, where I'd love to go get my MAT so that I could be in line to live and teach in either Portland or Seattle rather than living the rest of my days in the hometown to which I swore I'd never return. Anyway, since she told me the "good" news, I seem to be on self-sabotage mode in the classroom, convinced to misread anything my students do as another reason not to stay, which is unfair to them and hard on me. I haven't been sleeping, either, so my emotions have been near the surface. Plus, I started a three-course term at Chapman this term rather than the usual two-course option, so I'm just weighted down with way too much.

But the rational side of me knows that my other "options" really aren't good ones, even if they are presented as full options. If I stayed here, I'd be paid much more and could live with the parents one more year to pay off all the debt I've accrued this year so I can get back on my feet and even put some money down on a piece of property of my own. Speaking of debt...my Gilbert the Golf broke down again this week and this time cost me $900 on top of the $300 two weeks ago. All of this, the three-course tuition, and a trip to San Francisco on last month's meager one-week worth's of pay (only worked one week in December-January because of winter break). That means my credit cards originally designed only to be used to purchase my computer received hard hits.

I know that this sad truth that I'll be in the same place next year is truth nonetheless, as my decision to admit to Dan Frank that I might not be able to do Boston this summer after all proved. What is that? Only the ONLY good thing to happen to me this year--I got hired to teach at an academic camp at a beautiful boarding school in a city outside of Boston this summer. It would have been free rent and a nice healthy stipend (more than I'll make staying around here), but it would mean I wouldn't be here for new teacher training or the first day of school since my school has a nasty early August start date. I'm terribly sad, though, because I think Dan would have been the world's greatest boss. During the course of my interview, he told me that he really wanted me to teach some units from my music class, after which he asked me "the most important interview question of all--what are you listening to now?" When I mentioned Ryan Adams, he actually asked me if it was true that Ryan is dating Diana Ross's step-daughter (no, not anymore--he dated Leona Naess (another current fave) a few years ago), but the fact that Ryan Adams' personal dating life came up in a job interview was the clearest sign from God to me that I HAD to take this job. Part of me still feels that it is destined, so I told him the truth about the possibility of me not being able to come, but I'm hoping that he'll wait with me for a while before he tells me he has to look for someone to replace me. I sent the e-mail last night and immediately entered full-blues-mode, but I haven't heard from him yet and I am delusionally reading that as a decision on his part to give me some time (truth? probably just not checking his work e-mail over the weekend...).

Anyway, I clearly still have no idea WHAT the hell I'll be doing next year...Ah--I never thought I'd be plagued with the indecision bug, but I'm going to blame it on George W. How does THAT work? Well, I sit around criticizing America's love affair with his "decisive" nature, so it's only right that I surrender mine so as to avoid charges of hypocrisy. Besides, my old decisive nature led me on a stubbon, unwavering path to BYU, so I'd say history has taught me the error of that attitude via BOTH sources: current events and past personal experience...