Meltdowns, but still managing to burn bright, too

That's a mixed metaphor, I realize. Maybe it's the result of reading too much Shakespeare as I study him and Romeo and Juliet with my students. I needed to get on and vent as I navigate through so many ups and downs in the rollercoaster that is currently my life.

First, the ups. It looks like Barbara has approved me for move-in in her BEAUTIFUL, HOMEY, and HISTORIC apartments this May. Perfect timing for some more debt repayment-- in fact, I just paid off the second of my five original credit cards yesterday, which is another bright spot.

Teaching is also still going gloriously. I had some movement in my only trouble spot of seventh period, with most of my major problems getting moved out, but my most major one getting reshifted back soon after I was getting too comfortable. With the relocation of some came some new replacement problems, too, but we're trudging along. In fact, on Friday, I had a major breakthrough in front of my BTSA coordinator who was there to observe.

I decided to risk looking a little unprofessional by asking them to start the day off discussing the famous balcony scene by writing down as many pick-up lines, bad or good, in their journals. Then we shared and giggled over them before I pointed out that if they're looking for help in the love department, Shakespeare is a great place to look. I showed them a film clip of the pick-up line Romeo had given Juliet the night before in their reading and then made them look more carefully at the language, at which point many of them actually genuinely yelled out, "Dang! He's GOOD!" I nodded enthusiastically and begged for more, saying, "So, what's the verdict, ladies? Is he smooth?" at which point many of them shyly cocked their heads and crooned, "Yes." At which point all of the boys sat up to listen to our analysis of the metaphors that made his wooing so successful.

Best moment of all came with my challenge student early on and again at the end of the period. I had had my biggest meltdown of the year the day before with him and had warned my BTSA mentor that things might very well go very bad with him that day. When they were writing, he got really quiet and as I was walking around, he asked me if I wanted to read what he had written. Instead of something cheesy like the "Are you Jamaican? Cuz you Jaimaican me crazy" model I had given them, he had written a very sweet poem. When the students started sharing, I encouraged him to share his and told the students he had something REALLY good, so he acted embarrassed, but didn't protest when Ruben asked him if he could read it. And the kids were amazed and oohed and ahhed, my BTSA coordinator raised her eyebrow, and I wanted to cry, but I called him a regular Romeo instead so that when the girls said the Romeo in the film was cute, he said, "Thanks!" accepting my nickname.

And when he left, he looked me in the eye and said, "Thanks, Ms. G. Have a nice weekend." Magic.

And this is why when Sal told me I needed to apply to teach with him in Fullerton, I sobbed. Santa Ana is riffing 650 teachers and I'm losing sleep and too many tears over the situation. Apparently, a long history of irresponsibility in the district office is trainwrecking with Swarzenegger's educational budget cuts and our current economic mess in the entire country. Worst of all, as a teacher in a school that is looked on by all as the second-best in the district even though it's only in its first year of running, the likelihood of my displacement as a first-year teacher is all the more likely. I think I'll have a job, but in a place that may be very different from the home I have grown to love so dearly here. I woke up on Sunday and my first words to Katherine as I stumbled in for some coffee were, "I am so mad at George W. Bush." When she pressed me about it later, I vented about how upset I am that there seems to be absolutely no accountability for how fucked I am due to forces entirely beyond my control.

I'm hoping things will work out for the best. Mr. Rankin was clearly talking directly to me when he said he understood that people were approaching some of us to warn us to find a position elsewhere as soon as possible and tried to reassure us that they knew as little as he did before telling us so genuinely that he would do everything he could to make sure the faculty he loves working with here is able to remain intact next year. I do hope so... I don't know if my heart can take the end of this dream...