When autumn leaves start to fall...

“Autumn Leaves” sung by Eva Cassidy

The falling leaves drift by my window
The falling leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all, my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

Chris would have turned 29 this week on Wednesday, if he had stuck around to see it. This time of year pretty much always gets me down…more than spring, which was the time of year when he died. I hadn’t realized that it was the cause of my recent bout of the blues until I heard this song playing by Eva Cassidy this morning. The first time I ever really listened to “Autumn Leaves” was when I was in the midst of writing a chapter about Chris in this memoir that I erased after my dad found it and got upset years ago. I had downloaded a bunch of music by Cassidy, so I hadn’t really gotten a chance to listen to everything too carefully, especially since I had gotten into the habit of buying things and waiting to listen to them until they came up on iTunes on random play. Anyway, when it started playing, the mood of the song alone felt fitting, so I was even more surprised when I realized that the words themselves were oddly matching, too, although clearly Eva’s imagined subject is someone who she loved in a more romantic way.

The autumn makes me think of Chris because it was his birth month and I remember all of his Halloween birthday parties; a holiday that I perversely loved more than any other before his death, which is just another reason why I think I’ve always been a little irreverent, although I didn’t come to renounce my childhood religion until recently. In the years since he died, the decay of the autumn and the changing temperatures makes the commemoration of what should have been a longer life all the more difficult. I can literally feel my body start to react; it’s not just in my mind. This weekend I came down with the first signs of the flu and I have used it to justify my laziness and utter lack of energy right now.

We got a big lightning and thunderstorm today, to add to my mood. There’s something oddly comforting about that, though—as if nature is on the same page with me and can understand where I’m coming from. The thunder grumbles along with me, as I wonder why we ever have to wake up from the blissful forgetfulness of sleep.

I wrote to my ex today. Haven’t talked to him in five years and he’s been happily married for most of that time. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess it’s part and parcel with the autumn-inspiring feelings of missing those I said goodbye to long ago…